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Master falconer, raptor rehabilitation sub-permittee and professional software engineer.
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Accipitrarius sordidatus
Accipitrarius. Falconer
sordidatus. Wearing shabby or dirty clothes
A sub-species of the genus falconer, Dirt Hawker can be identified by its patched and dirty clothing, scars and fresh wounds, and ever-present cup of coffee or alcoholic beverage.
The call of a. sorditatus is widely varied. When prey is located, it may cry out a throaty, “HO! HO! HO!” or, in rare cases, “Oooooh, bunny!!”
These calls are more often than not followed up with “Awww, shit!” or “Did anyone see where my bird went?”
“Wow, that was great!” can also be heard, although far less frequently.
Dirt Hawker is distinct among falconers. Lacking the refinement and social graces of the so-called Long Wingers (Accipitrarius betterthanus), the a. sordidatus is more closely related to the Austringer (Accipitrarius voldemortuus), or Short Winger. Both sub-species employ a similar masochistic approach to their sport, however the Dirt Hawker lacks the agility and mental quickness that characterizes its accipiter-flying cousin.
When encountering Dirt Hawker in the field, one must be careful not to stand too close. It will usually take off running in any direction without warning. Depending upon its preferred quarry, it may be looking up as it runs, possibly backwards. Never try to follow it in its movements. For example, if it should try a running pole vault over a creek or climb a rotting tree, stay a safe distance away and make observations. Your report will be required by the authorities and appreciated by the next-of-kin.
Also, extreme hygienic caution must be used once the hunt is concluded – never shake hands with Dirt Hawker until after it has cleaned up.